Loving Yourself

Question One

How much of loving yourself is accepting yourself as you are, and how much is changing who you are to be who you wish you were–which, IMO, is a gift to yourself? Is this even the right question to be asking?

  • Scott Nicholson: “Accepting” isn't the same as “settling”… There's nothing wrong with wanting to be better than we are and working to change what we can change.
    I accept that I'm gay. I accept that I am starting to develop crow's feet. I accept that I have a belly, and not a lot of muscle tone.
    I can't change my orientation (and wouldn't want to if I could).
    I can moisturize and use expensive creams to minimize the wrinkles appearing on my face, but in the end they're going to happen, and I should own that and accept it.
    I can exercise and eat right and lose weight and build muscle to bring my body closer to what I would consider “ideal”.
    Some things I can change, some things I can't (and some things I *shouldn't*). Loving myself means not allowing *anything* to lessen my perception of self, while still working to make myself the *best* self I can be.
  • Erin Chaney Henderson: You have to love yourself enough to change, and you have to love yourself enough to accept that you're not there yet.
  • Jennifer Abbey: i think that loving yourself is accepting who you are faults and all, but having enough respect for yourself to change those things about yourself that you can control and change.
  • Greg Fullmer: David you're awesome!!!
  • Jahn Curran: what Scott said. And hugs to you David– we need to hang out soon!!!
  • David Nielson: Yes we do. We all do… Let's make it happen.
  • Catherine Gibson Totten: I love the quote from Gandhi - “ Be the the change you wish to see in this world.” I think that means to accept, and love yourself for who you are, but not being afraid to make changes you want for yourself, or stand up for changes in the world that are important for to you to see happen.
  • Justin Hanton: Would I be totally off the wall to suggest that the link between accepting yourself and self improvement drive is not an inverse relationship? If you fail to accept/love yourself, you may waste an inordinate amount of effort trying to progress towards an ideal self that won't exist from the starting point of a you that doesn't exist either? For instance,I am an introvert who is easily confused by ambiguous social context and withdraws into a shell. If I refuse to accept that that isn't changing,I can easily waste away my happiness trying to be a loving caring extrovert when I need to look for ways to be a more loving and caring introvert? I'd never become more caring because all I'd care about would be the self pity from focusing on the introversion. By loving and accepting myself, I can shed baggage that has no destination and really focus on going somewhere with my self improvement.
  • David Nielson: Justin… that's an interesting insight. I wondered if my question was based in an incorrect context, and I think you've put your finger on it.

Question Two

  • David Nielson: Is the ability to love yourself related to owning and admitting the degree to which you've hated the person you've been? It worked out that way for me, and for at least one close friend, but is it generally true?
  • Kristen Cline: I think sometimes yes because there's an inherent sense of remorse generally coupled with the realization that you WEREN'T loving yourself and depriving yourself of your rite to be loved (:
  • Kristen Cline: I watched a movie that reminded me of you. It's called A Single Man. Have you seen it?
  • George Garff: Loving one's self doesn't have to come from having hated one's self. Loving one's self is an essential part of living and giving. If you have transcended hate to love, then you have climbed the highest mountain to greater good and divine love. Glad you are loving yourself. (As it should be.) It makes you more caring. BRAVO.
  • Kim Garff: I think it can more accurately (and more simply) be stated as coming to terms with the person you once were. And yes, it is a necessary step in truly loving yourself.
  • David Nielson: ‎Kristen, I heard a dozen reviews of it on NPR when it came out, and interviews with yadda yadda yadda… and I'm really not interested in seeing it. I think it might hit a little too close to home given where I've recently been.
  • Kristen Cline: Awwww well I can see your point with recent experiences in your life. I meant no offense but to point out the same brilliance and depth that you embody thus persevering to a greater level (:
  • Chey Martineau: I loved A SINGLE MAN! So much eye candy! But it was difficult to watch. For me to even think about loving myself, I had to confront and really feel the pain of growing up as a sexual abuse survivor and trying to overcome the total sense of worthlessness that my abusers had instilled in me. It is a rough journey but totally worth it!
  • David Nielson: Chey, I want to know more about it. How long are you in town? Can I interview you?
  • Chey Martineau: David, unfortunately I just landed back in California. It was a very quick trip this time due to work schedule. Is be happy to discuss it further with you via phone or email. Send me a message, and I'll give you my contact info if you don't already have it. I'll also be back in Salt Lake in mid-October if you prefer to talk face 2 face.

A Fourth Super-Power

  • Scott Nicholson: I think I've decided to be a curmudgeon.

    It was that or bitter queen, and I think curmudgeon is a better fit.
  • David Nielson: I'm curious what has brought this about. In the same way kids between about 5 and 7 decide they're not good enough in some way, kids about 11-14 decide they don't fit in somehow, young adults just growing up decide they're really on their own in some critical way, and somewhere later in middle age (you seem to have hit this point WAY early) something happens and the person becomes, as you say, curmudgeonly. I'd like to know more about this.
  • Scott Nicholson: Heh. I'm (mostly) joking… Just responding to a series of events that *could* make me bitter or ornery if I chose to let them. =)
  • Scott Nicholson: I *have*, though, decided to be less forgiving of people giving me shit…

    The narrative of my recent status updates is largely inspired by a certain “friend” who, a week or two ago unfriended me because I didn't chat with him as often as he believed I should, and because I didn't bubble over with rapturous joy when something good happened to him.

    I rolled my eyes and said to myself “whatever”, until he started posting bitchy remarks in the comments of mutual friends' statuses. At that point I decided that I'd had enough and I blocked him.

    There've been other things too, but this particular experience was enough to make me realize that I put far too much effort (still!!) into trying to be who other people expect me to be and convincing needy people that yes, I do in fact consider them a friend and care about them.

    No more (even if that *is* curmudgeonly).
  • Carlos Mitchell: Eff them! You don't need that crud!
  • Douglas Breitmayer: Better buy some cats then…LOL
  • David Nielson: well, that's exactly it, and that's actually very helpful, Scott. More than you might think.
resources/active_research.txt · Last modified: 2013/09/17 02:15 by admin
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